The cold breeze cuts. What's with cold breeze? My attempts at consistent writing evidently failed. I want to feel the cold. I can't explain what's happening to me anymore. I just can't. I sit on the edge of sidewalk, my arms wrapped around myself. My eyes focus and unfocus, things become distant and come closer and further. The clarity is gone in everything. Her face, with her curly hair, I listen, the words hit me but I can't comprehend them. I hear her, watch them form perfect syllables, then she slaps me awake. I want another cigarette. I haven't eaten for three days. My head pounds. I can't understand what's happening. I want to take off my shoes and walk on the cold hard ground. I want to just walk, walk into the dark night, walk under yellow street lights. I look like a corporate hooker today. The red hurts me. I feel like I've been shot, I feel like there's blood on my hands. I want to touch blood, the warmth of it dripping down my fingertips. I dig my nails into my skin, my fist closes harder. I close my eyes, everything is a blur in the darkness. They talk to fast and then slow. I can't hear them. I hear the honking in the street, the blankness of my mind, the darkness closes in. I want to hug it, stop breathing. I wake up at night cuz I stop breathing. It's such a familiar feeling now that I smile every time I think about it. I'm not fucked up. I'm not, I look into the mirror, my eyes too wide pen, my lips tremble as I repeat it. I'm happy, I'll be okay. But why? I am okay maybe. Maybe I'm telling myself I see things, I think too, I see them kiss me. I see a birthday cake, and a happy family, everyone sings around her, but she looks at their weary outlines, a haunting voice touching her heart.
I walk under the street lights. No one looks for me. They don't want to. I laugh. Maybe I laughed too hard. And then everything is quiet. And then I hear them hiss and laugh. It becomes louder. And louder. And I hear footsteps. I think he's coming. He's going to push me isn't he? Into an abyss of loneliness and darkness. Me in my red shirt and blue skirt. Till I float into those worlds that I see in my peripheral vision. Black, blue, red, black, smoky and clean at the same time. The earthy smell mixed with a all so familiar perfume.
And then I look at the patterns on the ground, the coffee in front of me, ice cold, tasteless. I silently stir it and watch people laugh. They're all so happy. So content. In that darkness I see that again and again. Like a silent film. They laugh and turn to me, laugh louder. I suddenly want to scream. I want to kill the silence. The soundless laughter. The kindness. Their joy.
I throw up tar. I feel dizzy, lighter, but not wiser. I reach for someones hand, for someone to listen to the music playing in my head as I sit still and count my breaths in time with my heartbeat. I trip and someone holds the back of my shirt but my hands touch the ground. I look at them. The white skin peeling off. The blood surges and spreads, the long cuts flow into the lines on my hands. All of a sudden I'm furious. I want to cry and yell at someone. I turn around and no one's there.
I walk into the forest.I walk down the tar road of school. There's a candle in my hand. I want to burn something, I want to light the hills on fire. My hair flutters around my face. I'm cold but I don't care anymore. I walk past the white houses, the wire mesh windows. People sleep so peacefully. The trees creak and sway in their familiar way. Tonight there are no guards. Tonight I hear only the trees, people breathe so peacefully. The light of the white solar lamps cast shadows on their faces. Their pale skin, long lashes, I want to touch them, trace each feature in the ghostly night time. So innocent, so calm. I walk down, past homes, past school, past the cars, the telephone booth, I watch the moon. I feel the leaves beneath my bare feet. It gets colder. I turn left. I know the exact place. I glance at the window and I see another candle, I hear soft voices. I hear breathing. I know whose inside. Their bodies flicker like their souls. They twist and turn, the yellow and black shadows on the white walls. I throw my candle inside and close my eyes as everything burns. The smoke rises and it's warm then. And I smile. And the silence encloses me once more.
I walk under the street lights. No one looks for me. They don't want to. I laugh. Maybe I laughed too hard. And then everything is quiet. And then I hear them hiss and laugh. It becomes louder. And louder. And I hear footsteps. I think he's coming. He's going to push me isn't he? Into an abyss of loneliness and darkness. Me in my red shirt and blue skirt. Till I float into those worlds that I see in my peripheral vision. Black, blue, red, black, smoky and clean at the same time. The earthy smell mixed with a all so familiar perfume.
And then I look at the patterns on the ground, the coffee in front of me, ice cold, tasteless. I silently stir it and watch people laugh. They're all so happy. So content. In that darkness I see that again and again. Like a silent film. They laugh and turn to me, laugh louder. I suddenly want to scream. I want to kill the silence. The soundless laughter. The kindness. Their joy.
I throw up tar. I feel dizzy, lighter, but not wiser. I reach for someones hand, for someone to listen to the music playing in my head as I sit still and count my breaths in time with my heartbeat. I trip and someone holds the back of my shirt but my hands touch the ground. I look at them. The white skin peeling off. The blood surges and spreads, the long cuts flow into the lines on my hands. All of a sudden I'm furious. I want to cry and yell at someone. I turn around and no one's there.
I walk into the forest.I walk down the tar road of school. There's a candle in my hand. I want to burn something, I want to light the hills on fire. My hair flutters around my face. I'm cold but I don't care anymore. I walk past the white houses, the wire mesh windows. People sleep so peacefully. The trees creak and sway in their familiar way. Tonight there are no guards. Tonight I hear only the trees, people breathe so peacefully. The light of the white solar lamps cast shadows on their faces. Their pale skin, long lashes, I want to touch them, trace each feature in the ghostly night time. So innocent, so calm. I walk down, past homes, past school, past the cars, the telephone booth, I watch the moon. I feel the leaves beneath my bare feet. It gets colder. I turn left. I know the exact place. I glance at the window and I see another candle, I hear soft voices. I hear breathing. I know whose inside. Their bodies flicker like their souls. They twist and turn, the yellow and black shadows on the white walls. I throw my candle inside and close my eyes as everything burns. The smoke rises and it's warm then. And I smile. And the silence encloses me once more.
